I saw my heroin dealer this weekend

/ Dustin John

On Saturday my wife and I went to the city to attend a reptile expo. The expo was at the state park which is also the same area of the city I used to roam around while I was homeless. My old heroin dealer would ride his pedal bike, meeting up with us desperate and wayward users who had no access to a vehicle. I didn’t think much about the correlation between the location of the expo and my past drug excursions, but I did think about it briefly, prior to going. I didn’t put a lot of concern on this because my employer is in the same city as where I was homeless and I have built new and sober memories at these areas now. Also, I didn’t want to ruin our day by navelgazing.

The area of the expo is an area I haven’t been to since I was using and when we were driving through the area, I began talking with my wife about how I was feeling uneasy and had a sick feeling in my gut. It was raining quite hard and transients were walking up and down the rough and graffiti littered streets. Right after we started talking about my emotional state, I seen a man on a bike pedaling towards our vehicle. We was not stopped- we were heading north on the narrow neighborhood street and the cycler was riding south on the sidewalk. As soon as I seen the man on the bicycle, I knew it was my heroin dealer.

I told my wife who it was. I didn’t feel like it was something I wanted to keep to myself. To someone who has never been addicted to heroin, maybe this situation seems kind of inconsequential but for me, it was a pretty scary situation. I am very glad my wife was with me. I am glad she is willing to listen to my issues and fears without much warning.

I know that if that would have happened earlier in my sobriety, I would have slammed on the brakes, bought heroin, and got high. The sickening feeling I had did pass, but it did shake me up for a few hours. Addiction continually baffles me in its unrelenting patience and power. It’s not something to play around with. I go months without so much as a thought about heroin then BOOM! there it is. This is a rushed post because I am at work. I wanted to get this down in writing before the raw feelings of the situation disappeared. Thanks for reading.

35 thoughts on “I saw my heroin dealer this weekend”

  1. Thanks for sharing. People, places and things can be scary and a trigger. I am glad you had your wife with you and that you are ok. I can relate to your post. Thank God for the tools, ways and means to get through situations like that. Have a great day brother.

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    • No problem. Thanks Eric. Yeah my wife has saved my butt and I am glad she was with me. Thanks for reading my posts and sharing your thoughts. Even though my cravings have gotten less and fewer between, they may never be gone for good.

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      • It’s a blessing she was with you for sure. You’re welcome Dustin I read them all the time. I need to get better at commenting. I believe that we will have those cravings every now and again for the rest of our lives. It is said we can recover but we will never be cured. Thank God we have the tools to deal with it. Have a blessed day brother.

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  2. Thank you, to Maiju and your Higher Power…for watching over my child, for helping you through that sickening physical, emotional, and spiritual want that pulls you towards the Devils trap.
    I too, am very glad that Maiju is, who she is. A strong willed, straight compass to help you on your road to continued sobriety…and isn’t it wonderful to be on this side looking.back, and giving the finger to the devil and his guise?
    Love you my strong willed son, and good luck with your book! I again, am proud of the decision you made. To continue to make your lives the best it can be, with love and honesty, understanding between a married couple, without letting evil continue to entwine it’s ugly head into your thoughts to break you down.
    I am so proud I could burst!
    Love, Mom

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    • Thanks mom, it was weird because I briefly thought beforehand that I was going to see him- and then I did. It was kind of eery that way. If Maiju was not with me, it would have been a bad situation. I think I would have been okay still but it would have affected me a lot more.
      The book is almost fine tuned. Only a few more checks and adjustments and it will go out to the public. I better get going to work. Have a good night.

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      • You have always had a sixth sense about you… Possibly towards psychic or an ESP?
        Matter-of-fact, your nick name was ET, like in the movie. You seemed to know what was going to happen before it actually did…coincidence?
        I think not. I am glad you have this “feeling” and that you are using it wisely in your choices in life. You are now for seeing the future in your choices.
        I Love you forever son, can hardly wait for your book, it has been a long time coming!
        Mom 😘

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      • I’m pretty sure I’m not psychic or anything like that. If I was, I would be rich and famous and all that mess. Maybe just instinctual? I don’t remember being called ET? When was that?

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  3. Hi Dustin,
    Have you quit all drugs, including alcohol, nicotine, caffeine? These are all triggers (just thought i’d let you know). I’ve been meaning to put together a blog piece on addicton (i’ve been going through my own journey this last 4 years).
    Neil

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    • Hi MSC, I have not quit all drugs in that sense. I do agree they are all drugs, for sure but I believe I have a good deal of therapy ahead of me to discontinue caffeine and nicotine. I quit smoking cigarettes a few years ago but I still use the e-cig. I drink way too much caffeine. I know its a problem but I believe there are still some underlying issues in my childhood that make me anxious/nervous/unfulfilled- to use caffeine and nicotine to fill that void. I had to deal with the drug that was completely destroying everything around me. The one that almost took my life with a rather quick speed. I do plan to continue with therapy and working on a better understanding of why/who I am etc. I believe self-knowledge is detrimental to living a fulfilling and happy life. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I would love to read your history in this area.

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  4. That is crazy when you see the dealers and you know what they are on. Just seeing them around the way makes me feel as if iam missing something. Madness, glad to be free of the heroin tho, trust that was the hardest form of living i know. From the moment your eyes open. Fuck all that again, ever you know what i mean. How many did not get away? Stay up and well done

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  5. Stay well. It sounds like you have a great support system and you are finding one online as well. That accountability can be a great thing. Thank you for sharing

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  6. Glad you made it through unscathed, brother. It’s always tough, but it does get better and easier to walk away as you get on in years. Good job sharing what you were going through with your wife. You’ve got a good chance to make it.

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      • Oh how I wish that were true. Or maybe not… Now try this on for size; If things got to a point where they were just awesome all of the time, where things worked themselves out and we just rolled through life with a sober smile on our face… How long would it take you to start thinking you made a mistake in quitting, that you probably really aren’t an alcoholic or addict? A year, two?

        You’ll come to embrace your struggles as a chance to pull out your program and work it at something. If it ever got too easy, I’d be back out testing the waters, almost guaranteed.

        If you missed that, I just made struggles a thing to be thankful for. That’s how the program works.

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      • It’s a “be careful what you wish for” scenarios I guess. You are absolutely right and you did a great job articulating it. You make a great point. I should learn to embrace my ambivalence towards my addiction. Being thankful that struggles are a great counterbalance is a great way to deal with each struggle. Thanks for your wise understandings. Sometimes it seems so easy to get frustrated with things and when I get that way, its harder to get back out.

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      • It’s all good Dustin. This recovery stuff is tricky. It takes a lot of hard mental work to straighten ourselves out.

        A couple of other bright points are that you absolutely are getting the “remain teachable” part down well. You’re not afraid to put “how you’re doing” out there and take advice from others and look at how that advice can apply to your situation. Finally, it’s not all fluffy “rah-rah” BS with you.

        These are all brilliant, excellent qualities that always lead to excellent recoveries and lives for those who stick around long enough to get themselves straightened out. Just keep coming back, even if your ass falls off. We’ll show you how to put it back on. 😎

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      • Thanks Jim, I’ve noticed I don’t post as much about how I’m doing as a I post on what I’ve learned. I’m working at finding a good balance of the two.
        I hope my ass don’t fall off. I don’t have much ass to lose. Haha I appreciate your comments and encouraging words. I try to always feel anxious and a little fearful when I post. Then I know what I wrote was at least worth discussing. I’m not very good with small talk conversations. Thanks again for stopping by.

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  7. Wow. It is amazing how familiar sights trigger such strong responses.
    You can’t be sure how you would have acted in the past. The important thing is that you acted exactly right for you today. It’s so nice that you have a wife who will listen and support, even if she doesn’t completely understand.
    Congratulations yourself for making it through a tough situation. You will remember how good that feels next time and it will help.
    Anne

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    • Thanks Anne. I have so much more to loose then I did in the past. That’s not my only reason for staying sober but it does help to look further than just “the now” which is what I used to do. Instant gratification is one of the drivers of addiction and I try to always look ahead. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.

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  8. Dustin i am so proud of you. I know that was not easy. I ran into the same situations back home in Los Angeles. The Disease is always knocking at the door waiting for you to answer it. Thankfully you have enough time to use the steps and you made the right decision. Despite me having over 19 years, there are times that i am tempted to open that door but i consider the consequences. Hang in there. Thankfully it is only one day at a time and this one is coming to an end. Take care.

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    • Thanks Randy, I have given in to it too many times and I know what happens when I do it just one more time. Its insane how many excuses we can come up with to rationalize using again. Keep it up man. I know you have a lot on your plate but relapse won’t make anything better.

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      • Thanks Dustin. We can only keep it with we are willing to give it away. That is why i made the video and posted it, Wrote my story and have been emailing it to over a hundred people and talk to people on line and in person. I actually got to meet two people in the program today in person. One is from a recovery house that i spoke at before and i shared with him about my You tube channel. As soon as i can get my body to cooperate, i will start attending there again. My only hesitancy is that there is a lot of new comers and i don’t want to give them a negative impact about recovery. Most people don’t end up like i have had . Trying to survive alone is very difficult. lastly i am so proud of you saying No. well i am chasing time again and need to crash soon. Have another appointment tomorrow. This time with my open minded pastor. He is totally straight and never been in recovery but understands the spiritual connections with the 12 steps and even did messages on them. wish most preachers would wake up an do the same thing.Peace. Until another time. We made it though another day.

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  9. Great post. Great courage. Here’s a poem I wrote. Thought it might help sometimes.

    MEANING

    In the depths of my despair, there is meaning hidden there.

    In the horror of my fear, a spark of courage twinkles near.

    In life’s wrenching, gnawing pain, A song of hope sings soft refrain.

    There is no depth that I can dive, without feeling more alive.

    Because toward heaven all is leaning – giving peace.

    Giving meaning.

    (c) Anita Stout 2015

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    • Thanks jrvaldes, me too. It was a sick feeling. Not as strong as in early sobriety but enough to make me sick. Sober memories have essentially saved me. I work right by a gas station that I used to shoot up in. Now I go in there sometimes for lunch breaks and don’t connect that old schema in my past. It’s like replacing a bad hard drive with a new one. Lol thanks for commenting. Keep making new memories!

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