Subsidized Forgiveness Aids Evil

How many times have you heard the phrase “you must forgive?” It continues on; stating that if you don’t forgive someone of their continuous and horrible misdeeds, you somehow give that person all of your power. You MUST FORGIVE to be relieved of such heavy and tenacious burdens! “Be the better person and forgive! forgive forgive!”

I too once believed in this extremely ridiculous moral proposition.

If you have this same view, believing that forgiveness is always the proper thing to do, please read on with an open heart and an open mind. I understand the deep religious and cultural adhesiveness this topic emits but there must come a point in time where rationality must overturn certain nonreciprocal forgiveness situations.

Forgiveness is a lot like love and trust in the way that it cannot be willed. Forgiveness, love and trust have to be earned for them to be truly validated. Because you cannot just will forgiveness, the person who has done the wrongs, must prove they are truly sorry for what they did. Forgiving someone who has not shown any empathy, change of behavior, or a genuine apology is only lowering the standards of your relationships and the standards for yourself. It also allows abuse in your relationships to continue. When we start to hold people accountable for their abuses against us, we will start to see some real change.

As a heroin addict, I have done and said some egregious and appalling things to others. Would I ever expect those people to just forgive me without a single change of behavior or a massive gift basket full of apologies?

Subsidizing the anti-empathy of others- or “giving them the benefit of the doubt” just means that the relationship is toxic and now that you have allowed it to continue. It will only get worse. We all know that when people get free shit, they become dependent on that free shit and they will continue to accept the hand-outs. Stop giving free hand-outs! Have more respect for yourself and for your relationships!

Relationships can make or break someone like me. I am a heroin addict and I now have a small family of my own that needs me to stay sober. My wife moved here from 8,000 miles away. She left everything she knew to come to America and start a family with me. If I relapsed, she would be completely devastated. This means I better pay real close attention to what kind of people I allow into my life. My personal relationships must be with people who have self knowledge, trust, and empathy for others. These are not qualities I used to look for in friends or even my own family.

If someone in my life does something intentionally horrible that can in any way cause major issues in my life, I will simply “unfriend” that person. Not just through Facebook either. They will no longer be in my life. Life is too short to allow toxicity to overpower my life’s greatness and beauty. I want people in my life who love, protect, accept truth, honesty and virtue.

I do forgive others but it must be earned. Ignorance is no excuse because if you have empathy, you cannot use ignorance as an excuse. If you don’t have empathy then well, you will not be in my life. Everyone deserves a shot a proving they are truly sorry for whatever it is that they did but pay close attention to what that person does from that point forward. If they don’t show any empathy during the process or if they continue hurting you, don’t forgive them and move on with your life. They do not hold power over you. That is a ridiculous belief that allows evil to continue. There are many others out there who willing to raise the bar for a much healthier and meaningful relationship.

This is a shorter than normal blog post but this topic has been on my mind for over a week and it was starting to tear through my prefrontal cortex and leak out of my ear holes. Please feel free to comment some of your own thoughts on this topic. I am quite interested in what you guys think about forgiveness.

Some other great addiction blogs are:

I tried uploading a picture many times but my computer says no way! I will try it again tomorrow. πŸ™‚


48 thoughts on “Subsidized Forgiveness Aids Evil

  1. I agree with everything you said.. So true and very wise words. Another great blog. I am amazed everytime I read your blogs at how much we agree on the same issues. 😊

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks KilTracy! It is difficult having these views because society likes to agree and accept conformity instead of truth or facts. I’m glad you can relate to my unusual perspectives on life. It makes it easier to write more daring and important topics that are trapped in my head. Lol thanks for reading! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 3 people

  2. This reply may be something you might not want to hear…

    In my nursing college courses, we learned empathy not sympathy. To try and take the point of the patient, feel what they are feeling, the pain or hurt that they may be feeling. I also come from a very religious background where forgiveness is especially high on the list.

    I’ve always thought that if you were not a forgiving person, the other person in the equation has power over you. To always be the better person, that’s what I thought we were supposed to do. So this is all so confusing to me?

    So if I have this correct, you’re saying that we do not forgive someone until they show a change to deserve our forgiveness?

    You know how moms are, they’re always saying, “Whatever do you mean?”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Did you agree with your nursing instructors? I think forgiving everyone is disastrous and does nothing to help evil people try and change. If that’s even possible. Ostracizing evil people will stop them from thriving. Forgiving them will help them grow like a nasty virus. πŸ™‚ Just my thoughts.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Wow Dustin what an amazing post so full of truth and wisdom. You r absolutely right about forgiving those who are not empathic towards you or who are not truly sorry this allows them to continue hurting you.I have tried countless times to forgive my family but each time they have slid right back into those toxic behaviours which jeopardizes my fragile is so true that ppl who aren’t empathetic or realize what it is they did wrong or aren’t sorry will only continue to take advantage and continue to put your recovery at risk. Thanks for sharing this Dustin you r an amazing writer and love your view on things! Thank you kindly too for adding our name to your list of blogs it is very appreciated!! All the best to you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thanks MM πŸ™‚ glad you liked it and thanks for your comment. I think it would benefit all people if they would hold this value. I guess as long as we continue it, it will help addicts. One of the main issues with this perspective is it creates confrontation and tension at times, which most people avoid at all costs- including myself. That’s for another post I guess. Lol. Have a great week!

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  4. My person experience has shown me ostracizing evil people does nothing to them whatsoever. They’ll simply go elsewhere and continue acting out. Evil people are evil because of their damaged hearts and what they believe to be true about themselves.

    That being said, it wasn’t until I forgave in my own heart those did did profound evil against me as a teenage that I was able to move ahead in my own healing. By that time, some of them were dead. Some of them probably wouldn’t even remember me and my forgiveness would mean nothing to them.

    That’s why forgiveness is more about the one who has been offended than the one who has done the offense. But if what you have written in your post does indeed work for you, there is likely very little anyone could — or even would — write in response to change your heart.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hey Greg! Thank you for your comment. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what you said and I’m trying to make sense of your view as a whole.
      Forgiveness is an emotional reaction to another’s behavior so we know it can’t just simply be willed with the snap of fingers sort-of-speak. When forgiveness is needed, it is because trust has been lowered in a given relationship. With that being said, if the people who wronged you in your past, do you now trust them to be in your life if they were still alive? If the people were not close to you, why was forgiveness necessary for you to move on? One last question- Did these people know how you felt when they wronged you?
      Thanks again for your comment Greg. So far, this argument makes the most logical sense. If a different argument makes more logical claims then I would be more than willing to change my perspective. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for your thoughtful response, Dustin, and for the opportunity to respond. Allow me to “itemize” a few things for clarity’s sake:

        1) You say forgiveness is an “emotional reaction”… and I don’t believe that to be true. There is a profound difference between reaction and response. A reaction is something we do indeed feel, but we act on it instantaneously out of the “fight or flight” impulse. A response is a choice. While I certainly didn’t forgive my offenders as a reaction, I did forgive them as a response to the healing i had received up to that point.

        2) You say forgiveness “can’t just simply be willed”… and again I don’t believe that to be true. There were many times in my healing I knew forgiveness of my offenders was necessary for me to move forward in my healing. And there were times when I simply had to pray, “God, my heart wants to do this, but my mind doesn’t. So I need the Jesus in me to forgive these people for this specific offense so I can be freed of the power these people have over me.” Not free from the pain, mind you. Free from the power. There’s a huge difference. The impression I get from your initial post, Dustin, is that your intention is to be free from the pain from the offender, and that’s not likely to happen if the offense is great enough.

        3) You say forgiveness can’t just simply be willed “with the snap of fingers sort-of-speak.” Oddly enough, on this we agree. πŸ˜‰ However, that being said, my experience has been that forgiveness comes in phases and stages. To put this all in perspective and to establish some credentials for myself, here’s a little background:

        Upon entering seventh grade, I began experiencing a new trauma of sorts: extreme, ongoing ridicule because of the speech impediment I inherited from a cleft palate and lip. Saddled with a childhood seizure disorder and a perceived learning disability, I became a sitting target for the schoolyard bullies. This ridicule – at first only verbal – soon advanced to physical abuse. Frequently, I would be cornered at my locker between classes or walking home from school. When my alcoholic father would confront me about coming home bruised and beaten, I would tell him I was playing baseball or football with some friends. I was so humiliated and ashamed, and I couldn’t tell him what really took place. I was so disconnected from my parents I didn’t dare tell either of them the truth. What would they think of me? Would they be angry? Would they be ashamed of me? Would they blame me for all this?

        What started out as verbal abuse became physical and then almost by happenstance it became sexual. Cornered one afternoon in a storm drain on the way home from school, I had the option of engaging sexually with four other boys or enduring another beating. Giving in was almost as great a relief as it was terrifying and, yes – given my unmet need for male affirmation and affection – exhilarating. This devastating event would repeat itself with unrelenting regularity over the next four years.

        Back to forgiveness. What would you have done, Dustin? What I learned in my own healing journey is that we can only forgive what we have the capacity to forgive. Over time, I eventually forgave those offenders for the name calling. Then eventually I forgave those offenders for the physical abuse. And finally — finally — I forgave the ones who offended me sexually. I was in my 40’s when I got to a place where I could do that last step honestly and with a sense of integrity.

        Most of the people who I needed to forgive are dead now of either drugs or alcohol. And I guess I used to wonder if any of the others even remember any of that. Forgive them? Absolutely. But do you see what I mean when I said it’s for the offended and not the offender?

        Sorry to be so long=winded. You hit a soft spot with me.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I am so sorry for what you had to go through in your childhood and teen years. That is absolutely horrendous. Thank you for sharing something so emotional and difficult to discuss. My intention is never to insult but you seem to see that that is not my point at all.
        First off, I was not stating that forgiveness creates an emotional reaction objectively. I mean that it starts an emotional response within the brain. The brain can have an impulse or reaction to outside stimuli and that reaction can be intercepted by other areas of the brain. That is part of our ability for defied gratification. To say that all emotional reactions are acted out on is incorrect.

        In response to your second rebuttal, we will not come to an agreement because you are a believer in god and I am not. Religion teaches to love everyone which I believe is completely insane and impossible. Love is an involuntary response to virtue. If a person does not have any virtuous qualities, they are incapable of love or to be loved by another. Same goes with forgiveness. Forgiveness I believe must contain: a recognition of wrong-doing, some form of restitution and a cessation of the offending behavior. Without these, it is not forgiveness capable in my view.
        My initial post was focused at the people who we are in relationships with currently. Family friends etc. My main point was to freely “give” forgiveness to un-empathetic people in our lives only allows bad behavior to continue. Not so much about people who we do not associate with. With that said, I still can’t see how forgiveness is even possible to someone who does not or will not change their bad behavior.
        I have a huge amount of sympathy for what you went through and I could not imagine how terrifying it must have been. You mentioned that you were a target because of your disabilities. I disagree with that. You were targeted because there was no parental bond between you and your parents. In the absence of parental bond, predators dwell. They sense the lack of bond between the child and the parents. They knew they could attack you without getting into trouble. They knew you would not tell your parents. That is my belief and it has been shown in numerous childhood cases. Not that that helps any but I have to mention it. Your father should have known his son was being abused. If there was a connection he would have known something was terribly wrong with his son. I am quite upset at you parents right now. That don’t matter but it angers me that it could have been stopped. I don’t want to bring up old feelings about your terrible past but I must be honest in talking with you. The abuse became worse I believe because the abusers were testing the waters. Once they knew they could verbally assault you and not get in trouble, they knew you wasn’t going to tell anyone.
        I do understand what you mean when you say that forgiveness is for the offended and not the offender but I don’t think that is forgiveness. I think it is the ability to heal, accept, and move on. I have gained a huge amount of respect for you since this post began and I appreciate your willingness to be upfront and honest with a stranger about some very sensitive issues. It has been extremely helpful and thought provoking for me. I hope I did not come off as offensive or negative. If so, I apologize.

        Liked by 3 people

  5. Great post. I too have no time for intentional harm and also negativity. If you are negative,I will try to change your feelings. If you stay negative, un-friend. Life is too valuable to me today for negativity. Again thanks for the shout out. πŸ™‚

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  6. I feel a little outnumbered here? Maybe I need to rethink this hard life that we live.

    I am at the age now where change, is extremely difficult for me. I do know that I have been a very negative thinking person, and I do know for a fact, because I have been told by many, that I am very confrontational which I do not do on purpose, and I feel misunderstood.

    I wish that I knew how to change my thinking… But I just think it’s too late for me. I had talked about someone coming up with an app that puts a filter on my mouth so that I am not so abrasive and defensive.

    I still love your blogs my son, you are an excellent writer and I am very proud of you even if we don’t agree… Maybe we can agree to disagree LOL?

    Liked by 3 people

    • As a whole, you are definitely not outnumbered. The majority believes forgiveness is willed. I don’t think change being too hard has much to do with your age. Change is hard for everyone. So hard that many don’t or won’t do it. Your app idea is funny but probably not possible. It would be nice to have one in my back pocket for when I was in public with others. lol Thanks and we don’t need to agree about everything. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I believe when someone has done something to you that needs forgiving, you may feel hurt, confused, anger and sometimes fear. These emotions are what I believe allow the other person to have power over you, you can free yourself of these emotions without having to forgive the person who caused them.

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  8. Great blog Dustin! I commend you on your sobriety! I do believe in forgiveness, however forgiving the ones who have not changed, I simply distance myself from, & “unfriend” them. But, I do forgive. It sounds to me like you think if you forgive, you are obligated to keep these “evil” ppl that have not changed in your life to continue to do “unforgivable” acts? You really don’t need to keep them around, until they do change, but I do believe forgiveness is necessary, in order for YOU to grow. All the best To you Dustin! I will visit your blog often. I’m following you on Twitter πŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Jessica! Your argument is somewhat similar to Gregs. I believe that forgiveness is the same as love in the way that you cannot will it on someone. Love is an involuntary action towards virtue. Therefore an un-virtuous person is not capable of being loved. Forgiveness needs three parts to be considered forgiveness. A recognition of wrong-doing, some sort of restitution and a cessation of the offending behavior. My issue with forgiveness is many people forgive without these three things taking place which allows the evil-doing to continue. If you stop interacting with that person because they don’t show any empathy or change of bad behavior then that is great. I don’t believe I need to forgive a truly evil-unwilling-to-change person who has done wrong to me. I get them out of my life and I move on.
      Thank you for bringing some balance to my post. I love hearing other peoples ideas and thoughts. Thanks for stopping by! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 3 people

      • It is the Natalie you know πŸ™‚

        I struggle with forgiveness, mostly because I give it away like candy and am usually the one ending up hurting for giving it away so freely. It has taken many years and a lot of pain to start to learn that not everyone is going to prove they are sorry and handle an apology the way that I do/would (which is usually overly apologetic) also that I also have to pick and choose who I can just turn a cheek and walk away from and who I would hold accountable to do some extra work to prove they are sorry within themselves and the action(s) towards me.

        I have such a big heart and know the damage that mental/emotional abuse can create inside, and to never hear a genuine sincere apologize hurts. Because of knowing the effects this can cause within oneself I find myself going the extra mile to remind people in my close circle, and those who have earned my trust, loyalty and respect how special, amazing and loved they are which is a great quality to have to be able to give someone else, but it can also be a curse at the same time.

        All in all it is kind of a confusing topic for me and something I am working through to understand myself better. I feel like in todays world people don’t appreciate a real genuine person like in the old days. It’s a selfish world we live in, with a lot of people who blame everyone else for whatever they are going through in their lives. The sad thing of it all, is it seems to be the ones who have put the work into their own recovery, who appreciate, who love, and who can stand accountable for their actions that ultimately end up getting the short end of the stick in the end.

        I have come to realize that if people can’t accept someone in their life that is healthy, well rounded, accountable, and continue to press forward to learn and better themselves they do not deserve a place in my life. I deserve to have people in my life who will be forgiving, compassionate, empathetic, loving, trust worthy, loyal, patient, not expect perfection (because it does not exist), to know I am human and I will make mistakes and disappoint, and to be honest with not only themselves, but me as well. Thank you for letting me share, I tend to ramble so I hope this post all makes some kind of sense πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • I thought so but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. Lol you are absolutely right about the amount of people who will take advantage of our empathetic ability. I think that is why it is so important for those with empathy to not freely use it by forgiving freely. That only allows us to be exploited by the ass holes. Social ostracism is more powerful than people realize which is strange because we see it happen every single day. The threat of it keeps society from being truly honest with themselves and others. Fear of not being accepted shakes our capacity to be our true self. Evil people need good people. Good people don’t need evil people. At least we have that on our side. πŸ™‚ you seem like you have self knowledge and you know what you want. It’s strange how others are not willing to raise the bar in their own life and when they see that we do want goodness and honesty and integrity, they become hostile. I don’t want to be slowed down by speed bumps. Lol if they ever decide to get up off the ground and try and become a better person who isn’t afraid to feel and be human, then they can come along. Okay I’m the one rambling here. It’s past my sleep time. Have a great week and thanks for sticking around and reading my zibberish. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I am really glad I have com`e upon this post. I appreciate your honesty. Recently I have had a falling out with a very close, long time friend of mine after realizing the relationship had been affecting me negatively for some time. Sometimes you just have to do things like that. Sometimes letting go of people doesn’t mean you hate them, just means you love yourself more. I really think this is a great view on forgiveness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks leelee, I am glad you found it useful. 😊 I just started getting into your posts and so far I have enjoyed reading your most recent work. Your poem on delusional vanity from online social sites is just amazing and spot on. The anti-genuine world of cyber socializing has replaced many peoples reality. I plan to comment on it but I won’t “like” it because I don’t want to give you a false sense of awesomeness. Lol just kidding. Keep up the honest posting and sorry you had to lighten your laundry basket of “friends”. It sounds like it was necessary for you to grow and that is one of the main points of relationships in my opinion. Keep it up and stop by anytime.

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      • πŸ™‚ haha Well I am glad you’re enjoying it and I am sure I will be stopping by quite frequently. Your posts are very refreshing! And I agree that it is definitely one of the main points of relationships!

        Thanks again! πŸ™‚ I look forward to much more from you!

        Liked by 2 people

      • That’s great and thank you for that. πŸ™‚ Keep your head up and continue pushing forward and raising your own bar. The people who are willing to grow will follow and the ones who are unwilling will show themselves. Thanks for your support of my posts. I appreciate it. πŸ™‚

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  10. Dustin, I would never have thought in a gazillion years that my youngest boy would grow up to be a man with such an awesome philosophy of life. To have experienced so much more, with myself being way more aged then yourself. (that is not to say that I am old, I’m just saying…LOL)

    You are acquiring quite the following, and it is so interesting to read how many of these people agree with the many topics that you put to paper (I don’t know if Blogging counts as paper but you get my drift). I do want you to know that I truly believe that your dad is also sitting by your side, and he is grinning from “Ear at Ear” regarding your success in life, and your continued importance of your sobriety, and just your pure awesomeness, and the pure love you have for your sweet wife and family.

    The things that come from your synopsis and neurons are amazing, I just read them and sit here with my jaw on the floor in awe. In all seriousness though, I’m not just saying this because I am your mom, because there are some blogs that I do have reservations with.

    But, I also believe that you process hard and long about your Blogs before you put them into words, and knowing that some of those are very controversial topics to write about.

    I am proud of you, so proud. I need to sign off or this will become a blog of its own ha ha! Keep on keeping on, my son.

    Love ya kiddo, The Mom

    And a special throw out of thanks to all of those who follow, read and comment on our blogs… We love you all too! β€οΈπŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi Dustin. Thanks you for your honesty in posting your thoughts, I’m afraid I personally do not agree with you. I want to give you two examples and a story:
    (1) Years ago I was having an affair and in order for me to feel OK about it, I actually tried to push my wife into doing the same but she was better than that and because she never returned shit for shit the result was I experienced guilt and it was this that made me change into the man I am today. She also forgave me before I was was truly sorry, but that came later because of her forgiveness.
    (2) I was a manager of a drop in center and a young drug addict robbed €2000 worth of my tools and my wife asked me what I was going to do about it and I said I was going to to treat him even better than before. After 6 months he asked me “why I showed him such kindness” and I said “because you stole my tools and I wanted to give you the same forgiveness that I received many years ago”.
    (3) I just want to explain the meaning of mercy to you: There was a young man who committed a serious crime and the penalty was death. The young mans mother was in court when the judge passes sentence of death. The mother stood up and said to the judge “please show my son mercy” and he answered “but he does not deserve it”. She said “if he deserved it then it would not be mercy”.
    Have a great day from someone who knows the hard road and lived to tell the tale.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your comment Michael. I apologize for my slow response to your comment and I appreciate your opposing view. It too, is similar to some of the other views in the comments and no matter how I view these opposing views, I cannot see how it is possible to will genuine forgiveness. Bringing up mercy is a great point but I am not talking about punishing anyone. I believe under certain circumstances, mercy is appropriate- but it is not a direct relationship to forgiveness. Thanks again for the mental math problems that I believe we should think about much more often.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I too have a story that is on the same lines as Mr Michael Groves. Dustin, maybe you remember my mother, or maybe you were too young …I’m not too sure. But as I was growing up, she was a tyrant. The physical, emotional, and mental abuse that was inflicted upon myself, my identical twin sisters, and (her favorite) my younger brother was atrocious, and would not have been tolerated in today’s standards.

    I, being the oldest was held accountable for everything that we did from day to day. Chores, we had horses, dogs, cats, a fairly large yard, and horse pasture, corrals, barns…well you see the picture. There was a lot to do after school, before homework, and all to be completed before she returned home from work – or else!

    That or – else happened more frequently than I like to remember. Mom was the taskmaster, threatening constantly with the horse crop. This was a circular horse racing whip normally used by a race horse rider to get the horse to go faster around a specific race track. It also had about a 4″ tip with loosely tied pieces of leather that snapped at the end when swatted quickly against the hind quarters of the horse. We did not have a race horse.

    This horse crop hung in the kitchen closet and was used as punishment for anything from an accidentally broken drinking glass to not feeding the horses in a timely manner, not cleaning your shoes before coming in the house, or arguing with siblings. It was always the same no matter how trivial or extreme the offense.

    My parents were divorced when I was 13, and I was put in charge while mom went to work. My alcoholic dad was so far behind on child support – that this caused an even more angry mom, I have my own theory that all we three girls were just a burden to her, she made that perfectly clear by treating our youngest brother with love, understanding, and lots less beatings, if any. He learned at an early age how to manipulate the situations to where I would be the one who got the beatings.

    As I grew older, I was married at 17 just to get out from her tyrant lifestyle, and I felt bad for my sisters who were still home. When the twins were 16, there was a terrible accident and one twin was killed by our horse…and mom blamed the living twin for the accident and mom told her she wished it had been the sister that died instead. Who says that to a child?

    Speed forward to now, mom has passed away, and I am expected to forgive her in order to be with my husband again who I am sealed to in the Temple. I also found out that she had disinherited my sister and myself, for some unknown reason. Mom left everything to my brother. My heart was broken, but I still had to have empathy for her, forgive her for all the travesty she reigned upon me, or I would never be completely free.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course I remember your mom but I don’t believe her moral standards ever changed for the better. She only stopped with the physical violence- because she was forced to. She was an evil woman her whole life. Did she show any kind of restitution to you guys? Any sincere apologies? Therapy? You say you are expected to forgive her but by who? Who says you must forgive her? Forgiving her does not make you free. If that were true, you would be free from it. I personally wish I would have never met her in person. I don’t need evil people in my life, even if she was a relative.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I know you do not believe, but my reasoning is this. The LDS religion (and The Bible) asks us to forgive our trespassers in order to reach the Kingdom where my eternal husband has gone on to, almost one year ago to the day. I am trying hard with the difficult things required of me to be with him in the afterlife, which in God’s time is only “a blink of an eye.” (My time in comparison, is an eye already half closed.) LOL! So I have to hasten and complete these things before my time is up in this mortal life on earth.

    In all seriousness, I am trying as best as I can to do the right thing in life, to right my wrongs, and be as good a person as possible, forgive those who cannot show remorse. As I understand it, my mom will have to answer for her own atrocities in her life…just as we all will. There are no perfect people walking the earth today, we are all needing to improve in one way or another. I just needed to forgive her to release the anger and resentment that has held me hostage for over 55 years. That is a very long time to be angry and I know it has had a lot to do with why I am who I am…a mess to say the least.

    I really wish things had been different, and I didn’t have to suffer as the little children, as they say. Then in turn, your childhood experiences would have been more memorable. I did try very hard to break the chains that held several generations of abuse…three that I am aware of without a doubt because I had been told of many stories throughout the years.

    So you see that now the forgiveness is more for me and my sanity, or what is left of it. Maybe…if I had done it sooner it could have changed everything, for all of us? Could of, would of, should of…in retrospect we will never know. I can only go forward from the here and now, hoping that you can see improvement.

    As always, all my love, mom

    Liked by 1 person

    • I get where you are coming from. You have broken a very large generational defect called physical abuse and that is a great thing that you did. I just think that when we think we can just forgive someone freely, we are not really dealing with the problem. Its kind of a shortcut in a way and I think that is harmful to our own health.
      I know its almost been a year since dad died and it is not a day I will ever forget. He should not have died so early- so young. I had so much more to say to him. Love you too Mom

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  14. Funny, in Europe I have never encountered such a pressure on ‘forgiving’. Apart from the fact (?) that forgiving is an aspect of life, the importance of it seems to be a cultural thing. Me? I distrust people that are big on forgiving and generally stress the importance of forgiving. It always makes me wonder what they have done or are planning to do.

    Second, I have not ever seen one person that is big on forgiving that is not getting herself (yes, her) in a twist because it is just another construction for covering up: he’s an ass but I’m too scared to leave him. Forgiving is like sex: those that actually do it, don’t speak about it.

    Neither can forgiving be forced upon people by religion or rules made up by mom and dad. Forgiving is a state of mind, like universal love or respect; it is a position from where your intentions are being brought into the world. That does not come with ‘you shall forgive!!’ Forcing ‘forgiving’ onto people screws them up big time. There can not be any forgiving if there is no regret. Forgiving where there is no regret and no mending leads to inbalance, it is insane. It’s just not how it works because there is no justice in it.

    The use of forgiving? To get on with stuff, not to let old hurt linger, to make amends with those that are equally interested in being with you in a good way. One of these days we are all going to do something stupid of which we have not overseen the consequences, things that can not be put back to how they were anymore. But before forgiving comes the repair and if needed the mending of the ways. Forgiving is what you do with people you care about and who care about you. Otherwise you let go, let go of the hurt or let go of the people or both. But forgiving without ubuntu -the restoration of humanity in both parties- that is just an indulgence – in the religious meaning of the word.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Very well said. I couldn’t agree with you more. I believe it is a cultural issue and culture is itself, bigotry of the greatest kind and very destructive. Culture is linked with nationalism which is also deadly. If we stripped away all the methodologies and social bigotries in this world, we wouldn’t but rarely need to bring up forgiveness. Great points and thank you for sharing your views on this. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for your reply, it actually is a relief πŸ™‚ to find that you do not think I invaded your blog with adverse writing. πŸ˜€
        There’s this character streak that I have not under control: ranting on the net. If I see something that I feel is incorrect or if there is unjustice I rant. It’s gotten worse since I quit. So I post and then I’m like ‘oooh, shit, what did I do…. I may think this is a refreshing thought but…. ‘ I need to try to work this out. Have you got any clues? I think it has something to do with ‘holding on to what is left’. Not sure. It is time to learn something. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome. I have no reason to think that you were invading because you and I have virtually the same stance on the topic. Forgiveness is a widespread topic in the west, mainly from religion. I personally think it is misused in a ridiculous and destructive way. I comment on blogs that I feel are misinformation as well. There is nothing wrong with doing that. Standing up for truth and empiricism can only help spread truth. There is too much false information and amoral evilness that we should continue saying what we feel is right. Keep it up my friend- it’s a good thing. And I love a good argument that opposes my position. If someone makes a stronger case than my own with empirical evidence and facts, then I will gladly change my position. πŸ™‚ thanks for following my blog and commenting with some great thoughts. Have a great weekend.

        Liked by 1 person

      • πŸ™‚ Thank you. Truth that is the word, thank you, I am trying to find that. Not living in truth is one of the things that made me mentally and physically ill when boozing. The hiding. Brrrrr… glad I got out of that prison. Have an nice day!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Absolutely. Living a constant lie while high is one thing, being sober and doing the same will not yield us any top notch relationships or forward progress in the “real life” department. It is a difficult thing to do. Especially since I was a manipulating liar for so many years. It was easy. It was comfortable. I don’t want that anymore and it’s great that you are on a path to truth as well. Thanks for supporting my blog and stopping by again. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I read your post and I see “forgiveness” as a bogeyman. It’s holding on to the resentment that is harmful. Whether you “forgive” or not, if you live life from fear and carry baggage, you’re suppressing as much of a drive for letting anger go as you are supposedly suppressing by “willing” yourself to forgive. Healing is a natural process. It doesn’t mean you have that person even in your life.

    But if you’re feeling angry that people think it’d be a good idea to forgive someone, think about why you’d find that frustrating. You’re somehow reliving painful memories, or else it seems like you’d just have forgotten that person and whatever happened, like forgetting about the guy who cut you off in traffic, for example, who you now have no attachment to at all and about whom “forgiveness” makes no sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make some great points. I think people are linking those two together believing they must forgive evil people, allowing them to continue to do wrong. I am not personally angry with anyone, well, except for the guy who cut me off. lol I am only wanting people to see that forgiveness is not for the person who is forgiving and it can’t be willed freely. Too many think forgiving is for their own pain. They, I would argue, are not feeling a lack of forgiveness but a feeling of exploitation which willed forgiveness can do nothing.
      Thanks for reading and sharing your view on the topic. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  16. You are absolutey right. A few years ago, I decided to refuse to allow these types of people back into my life. The reason the world is in such a sorry state is because we’ve enabled people with no empathy to continue to hurt others without any consequences. If we allow it in our personal lives, the effect ripples into the gobal realm as well.


    • I agree completely. Great points- the ripple you talk about is an ever growing amount of evil. Thanks for your comment and stopping by. I have to say your profile pic kind of scared me. Lol πŸ˜‰πŸ¦


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