Bulletproofing My Relationships in Sobriety

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My sobriety in the past– I noticed a reoccurring pattern.

1) I would get sober.

2) I would get lonely.

3) I would search fearlessly for a girlfriend.

4) I would find a girlfriend.

5) Our relationship would fall apart.

6) I would relapse.

7) Rinse and repeat.

After realizing why this continued to happen and what I was doing wrong, it all seemed so simple. There is a very important reason addicts are told to wait until they have acquired at least one year of continuous sobriety before they start any kind of intimate relationship. I think this is great advise and if you truly want long term sobriety, please follow AAs simple relationship advise. I think its a good first step, but to have a meaningful, happy, non-toxic relationship, a lot more is required.

Once I heard this in an AA meeting, I took it very serious (waiting at least 1 year). I knew I needed some time to learn more about myself and why I kept ending up freezing cold, homeless, running from the law- and self-inflicted needle scars up and down my battered arms. A real catch for any woman, right?

My life changed drastically (for the better) in 2006 when I spent 13 months behind bars for various drug related charges and theft. When I was released from jail in 2007, I decided to continue on the path to self-knowledge, sobriety, and continued celibacy.  No dating, no searching for women. Only self knowledge, spirituality, and the repairing and paying off of past restitution. I had dug a huge crater and I knew if I were to drag a new, unsuspecting woman into it, it could only end in despair. Relapse would most likely follow.

Waiting (including jail time) almost 3 years before I entered into a new relationship gave me greater hope that things would finally work out. I had built my life back to the point where my confidence and charm was second only to my sobriety and happiness. Guess what happened? The relationship fell apart and shortly after, I relapsed. Why? What did I do wrong this time? Did I not do things right this time? Nope. I sure didn’t. I didn’t put on the Kevlar. The relationship was not bulletproofed.

BULLETPROOFING?

Until I met my current wife, I have ALWAYS done relationships the wrong way. Whether it was lack of knowledge, too young, or too dumb… No it was none of those. It was fear. Now I no longer have any excuse. If a relationship starts wrong, it will inherently end wrong. It will be too weak to continue on. If I build my home on sand, it will eventually wash away. There is love and there is lust. What is the difference? When I say I love someone, is it really love- or is it lust? I believe that “love” must have moral and virtuous objective qualities attached. That person must possess continual virtuous traits; empathetic, warm, caring, helpful, non-violent, slow to anger, etc. This is fundamental in separating this love-lust dichotomy. For Dustin to love someone, they must have virtuous qualities about them!  Being pretty or sexy or beautiful is not virtuous, it is accidental, historical genetics. Relationships are so often founded on base-of-the-brain, mammal instinct; you are delicious so lets bump our nasty-bits. Relationships will often go years without either partner knowing even the most basic of questions about the other. Important, fundamental questions about compatibility. What is your definition of love? What religion are you? Do you believe in God? Will a difference in religion be a problem? Do you want kids? How will you discipline your children? Can you even have kids? What was your childhood like? Do you have unresolved childhood issues or abuse? What are you political views? Some relationships will start and end without either party asking any of these questions. We are often too concerned with manipulation, playing games, lying, jealousy and lust. Any relationship structured on these unethical premises will cause insurmountable problems, but we see it all the time (including my own past relationships.) They are weak and can’t create anything healthy or worthwhile.

The problem was- I was too afraid to ask these kind of questions. I thought I would push the other person away from me if we talked about such big and scary topics early on in the relationship. Instead, I let two or three years of wasted time and energy dictate our relationship compatibility. It is much easier to just have lustful sex with an empty and hollow relationship and think we are in love when we really don’t know anything about each other. Just agreeing with whatever. Not having any kind of opinion or identity. Enabling each other because its the short-term path of less fear and resistance.Then when the relationship ends with hostility, bitterness and anger, I would wonder what went wrong. It is so much easier to be “liked” then to be honest. This is true even for every day friendships. Do you have friends who work harder to be liked rather than being honest? I wonder often if there is a diminishing amount of people left in the world with real honesty, real integrity. Someone who will call you out on your shit. That’s what I need in my life. If they aren’t calling me out on my shit, then they are doing behind my back, amongst other people. I may have mentioned this before but the other day, someone had posted something to online that was clearly a bad idea for that person and yet all of their so-called friends posted how great of an idea it was. Not one person mentioned how it could cause serious long term concerns or issues. Yes you should run out in front of a moving train! In today’s world, honesty is very unpopular. I want to continue striving for “unpopular.”

I have made many mistakes in my life. I do accept that I still screw up often, I accept that I still make mistakes, of course- but I continue to work at not repeating these mistakes.I want to become a better person. If I can’t accept that I am doing something wrong, I will never try to change it. Being aware of what I was doing wrong in the past has now allowed my current relationship with my wife to continue to grow stronger. We do not argue, we do not raise our voices at each other, we do not call each other names and we both try to work with moral and ethical principles. When we disagree with each other, we negotiate some form of win-win situation that makes us both happy. There is no concerns or issues over jealousy and that is a first for me. I never thought it could work, but I promise you, it does. Like S. Molyneux says “The only thing that will separate my wife and I will be a coffin lid.”

Relationships that are founded on moral ethics will be bulletproof!

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31 thoughts on “Bulletproofing My Relationships in Sobriety

  1. Hey Dustin,
    Fabulous Post! Relationships are SO hard for addicts. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 19 years because I didn’t know that I deserved better. It brings me joy to know that others are enjoying partnerships built on mutual love and respect. After leaving my marriage my sex and love addiction was in full swing. I was trying so hard to find love but just kept ending up with one night stands.
    Finally I got tired of it- I decided I was done with that life. I would just chose to be lonely rather than enduring the continuous cycle of giving myself up and then feeling hurt and worthless. The weird part is that after I did that- after I gave up- I found the love of my life. Turns out he had been there for quite a while but I wasn’t listening. I was chasing something that didn’t exist. Once I settled down and got quiet I could hear the universe directing me to the next right thing.
    Like you talked about, I was attracted to a certain kind of man. I lusted after big, tattooed bad asses. My partner is the anti-that. He was a choir boy and has never done a drug in his life! Holy Toledo! Boy can I floor him with some of my stories.
    However, we have a patience with each other that is second to none. He loves me for all my strange and sometimes reckless ways. I love and understand his quarks as well. We are open and honest with each other which means there are not arguments there are discussions. We always come out of those discussions stronger than when we went in.
    Thanks for sharing this topic with us.
    Keep On, Keeping On.
    Pearl<3

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your comment and for sharing such vulnerable stories.
      Yes! The Alpha males! Great to look at, but more often than not- terrible at building a life with. It’s the “having the cake and eating it too” scenario. My belief towards premature sexual encounters in relationships is due to low self esteem. At least that has been the case for myself and others I have spoke with. It is almost if we feel that we have nothing virtuous to bring to a relationship, therefore we must do something else to “bring value”. Just a thought. So often we believe terrible things about ourselves that just isn’t true. This has been my self esteem issue and that has caused so many problems for me.
      I am glad that you were able to get out of such a terrible relationship. It sounds like your husband is a much better man for a life partner. It’s recoiling to see how we believe so many mythical lies about ourselves and others.
      I feel you on freaking out your partner with your stories. My wife patiently listens to some of my craziness and ridiculous stories of jails, drugs, homelessness and idiotic ideas. She too has never done any drugs. I wonder if that far-spaced difference between us makes us work so well together. She definitely helps me stay on track with goodness and virtue. Great comment as always so thank you again!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Job well done. Absolutely great advice. As you, I was far from able to take care of myself and my inner demons, much less add another’s to the mix. Great post..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Art! I think many people think that getting a partner would make their cravings disappear. Self medication by companionship. It never works. Lol hey! You better get to feeling better real soon! A lot of us are thinking about you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dustin,
    Again you have really amazed me! I love this new blog, your choice of what you wrote about, your continued honesty and the way that you explain things with excellent metaphors. You really put yourself out there.

    You are now truly in an awesome relationship. The way that you two met is straight out of a storybook, and I love each new chapter in your lives.

    Everything that you said in your blog is so true and it would be great if everyone that was in a relationship was so lucky to have that special bond.

    Love Mom

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks! I keep trying to be as honest as I can. I know when I am because it is very hard to publish when I’ve been honest as possible. I’m just tired of my past being so full of manipulation and deceitful garbage. I don’t want that life ever again. Our story is out of a storybook! The book! Lol it’s all in there! Hopefully someone can take the advise- at least some of it and build a better relationship using ethical principles. I didn’t even know philosophy was such a powerful compass for almost everything in life. Now it’s almost all I think about. It’s amazing stuff. Thanks for commenting! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. imes, and throw in past or present addiction, and it can blow up real good real fast. But we learn to carry spiritual principles into all of our affairs and long-term romantic relationships are fertile ground for growing along those spiritual lines. Like you, since getting sober, my wife and I have never raised our voices, never called each other names and are often very in tune with one another. it wasn’t like that for most of our marriage, with me being an active alcoholic and cheater, liar and thief.

    You sound like you’re coming from a place of peace and serenity here – and it’s great to see that, kind sir.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks a lot Paul! You always have such clear perspectives through your comments. I definitely need to learn how to incorporate the AA literature into my posts more often. You are so good at paralleling real-life scenario’s with what we learn through AA writings and principles. I appreciate you always stopping by. Your comments always get my synapses firing.

      Did the first of the comment get cut off or is “imes” Latin for “Dustin is a badass?” I need to sharpen up on my Latin for sure but it was worth a shot. haha Just kidding. Hope your feeling better (sore from running I assume?) and having a great week in the Northern half of the globe. Canada right? Either way, have a great one! (I’m just full of assumptions!)
      P.S. Do you have a book in the works? I would be interested if you do. Thanks again Paul.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s great that after all you have been through you have been able to find someone that can love you for who you were and who you are now. Your wife is a very lucky lady to have you as her husband, after all your self healing and your decision to walk the right path you are very deserving of her love and support. You both are very lucky to have found each other and to share your life together. I love all of your blogs..😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for commenting kiltracy. You are right. Having lived such a reckless past, it is easy for me to snap into “I am not worthy of companionship, or lovable by anyone.” It took along time for me to realize that despite my past, I do have a lot to offer others when I live by ethical and moral principles. One of the main reasons I try to help others who suffer from any kind of addiction or other serious problems that we may face in life. Drugs; including prescription drugs are such a huge issue in the US (along with nicotine, food, soda, GMOs, television and uhh, Iphone war games lol jk) and if I can help someone, even a small amount my past mistakes will have actual positive value. I really appreciate that you came here and are reading my blog posts. I will definitely let you know when my book gets published. The book is much better than my blogging skills- but then again, the book took over four years to complete. lol Have a great week! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    • Kiltracy,

      Believe this or not, this lady has been sent from heaven above, to become Dustin’s very own personal Angel.

      She is down to earth, she has morals,, I’m just thinking about making sure that I am saying the right things about her, without revealing too much and getting on Dustin’s wrong side LOL. Sometimes I do say too much about things personal, and end up again getting myself afflicted with hoof and mouth disease, ending up back at the Podiatrist’s Office having my foot, mostly both feet removed from my pie hole.

      As I was saying, she has taught him truthfulness, understanding, forgiveness above and beyond the call of duty. Most of all, she is kind and loving of all his idiosyncrasies. (some of those idiosyncrasies belong to me LOL, The Mom). I have hereditarily ( if that’s even a word) given those to him, I didn’t mean to, it just happened. The DNA thing… sorry got off track a bit.

      She understands him, I don’t know how she does it. Never raises her voice or argues, it becomes a civilized discussion between two people who love and trust each other. She really truly keeps him grounded.

      I don’t think she realizes just how big of a piece of my heart she has acquired in the short amount of time she has been in our “crazy” mixed up family. Love ya’ ta’ bits Little Lady! You are the best thing that has ever happened to Dustin, as far as my old presbiopian eyes are concerned!

      You my dear, are a blessing in disguise… You have came into his life at exactly the right time-and I believe you continue to save his life one day at a time.

      The Mom

      Liked by 2 people

      • Kristina

        It sounds like Dustin and all of his family are very lucky that this angel came into his life. It also appears to me judging from what I have read on here, that he is lucky to have a mother like you as well. Not all parents are willing to forgive their children for choosing to walk down the wrong path.
        With all this love and support surrounding Dustin I’m sure his future is going to be a great one.
        I can not wait for his book to come out. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • Kiltracy,
        Thanks so much for your lovely reply, I too cannot wait for that book to come out! It’s quite the read… Dustin and his father took over four years to ride it, and I am so saddened that his dad, my loving husband, will never hold the hard copy in his hands as he passed away last October at the very young age of 59.

        We never once stopped loving Dustin even though he had gone to the left instead of the right. We knew that Heroin was not defining Dustin, the real Dustin was lost in there somewhere. We always hoped that it would only be a matter of time before our real son won the battle. We never could fathom that it was going to be a battle of 10 years.

        You love your children no matter what their choices, because they are your flesh and blood-and you would die for them. Only a parent knows these feelings and how deep they flow. Our hearts cried so many nights through those 10 years that we almost didn’t think we could get through it, But somehow we did come up through the ashes and the turmoil of it all. The empty nights when we wondered where he was. We knew he was out on the streets, homeless, searching for his answers.

        Dustin was just lost for a while, and we are so glad that he is back. The Old Dustin that we knew from long ago… the sober, Intelligent, loving, funny and trustworthy son… I myself, am thankful and glad he’s back. I missed you kiddo.

        The Mom

        Liked by 1 person

      • Kristina
        I too lost my husband in April 2012, at just 32 years of age it was a great shock and lose. As a widow and a mother myself I know exactly how you feel. But truthfully and unfortunately not all mothers/parents think and feel the way we do. This confuses me greatly, because sometimes all it takes to get a child back onto the right instead of the left (as you put it) is a parents love and forgiveness given at the right time.

        Ok, sorry Dustin for having a conversation with your mom on your comments. Lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry you lost your husband. You have a great deal of courage working through something so heart wrenching. My sister lost her husband in 2010. He was 34 I believe. I miss him and my father everyday. I can’t even begin to imagine what losing a spouse would do to me. I hope your kids are handling it okay. If you don’t mind me asking, how did he die?

        Oh, and you told me not to apologize so neither should you. Lol anyone can discuss anything they want on my comments. Anything out of line I can delete so it’s not a problem. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I too am very saddened to hear of your loss. You know, it doesn’t matter at what age a person that you love leaves you, it tears your heart in to pieces. It throws you into a tailspin where you don’t even think you can handle it. You go through all of these thoughts of, what if this or what if that. None of it makes sense. Then there’s why me? Then there’s why not me? Just when you think you can’t cry one more tear…

    Everyone around who has not been through it, the well-wishers always want to help by saying you’ll get over it as time goes by. Time is going by, and it’s not helping. You think about them every single day, every minute that you’re awake and not doing necessary things they are there in your mind and in your heart.

    Yes, and I am very concerned for your children I don’t know their ages but they must be very young. My son-in-law had one daughter, who is my oldest grandchild. She has now become a teenager, and when I ask her how she is she tells me, “grandma I know where my dad and my grandpa is, and I don’t need to cry because they are happy where they’re at.” Out of the mouths of babes, children definitely have a wonderful philosophy about life.

    I wish you and your children the very best. It helps to talk about it I think I have found that these blogs are quite therapeutic in their own way because you can relate to others who are going through the same thing that you are. I saw something on Facebook yesterday that made a lot of sense. It went something like this, if someone is smiling don’t assume that everything is okay, you have no idea what storm they might be going through at that particular moment.

    Oh yes and Dustin, just as long as you can’t delete me LOL!

    Love and hugs to all,

    The Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I love this post. Its so true. Before the relationship I’m in now, I had never bothered to ask those questions at the beginning of a realtionship. I just didn’t want to be alone. Although I was strong enough in my recovery not to relapse at that point, its still caused a lot of heart ache having a relationship based mostly, but not all, on lust. I talk about many of my relationship issues on my blog and how my addiction had screwed up my self esteem which led to me having a lot of issues in my relationships. Definitely something I’m still working on. I’m so glad I found your blog. Can’t wait for you next post.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My heart goes out to you and your family Dustin for both of your loses. ❤️❤️

    I don’t feel I have a great deal of courage Dustin, I’m just a mum who does what needs to be done for her children.

    My husband Leigh, drowned at a beach, and yes our 2 daughters ( who turned 2 & 7) the following month, my 3 boys, who Leigh treated as his own for 9 years and myself were all there to witness it. What should have been a great family afternoon turned into the worst nightmare any of us could imagine.
    As I am sure you can imagine or experience first hand there was a lot of questions and thoughts going through my head…. The…. Why?? What if….. If only……. What did he do to deserve that? What did my kids do to deserve it? What did I do that deserved that punishment, and why punish everyone for something I did???
    My children are what made me get out of bed everyday when I was in my fog, they are my life…but to be able to carry on for them I have had to go back to my believe before the accident that things happen for a reason and they happen when they are meant to happen. This was often thought but not believed after it all.

    We all went to counselling, and as the kids had private sessions as well as with me, it was their private battle, I can only comment on how I felt. This counselling helped with the self blame I felt for not being able to save him, not through lack of trying though, and with all of the above things and more going through my head. Unfortunately accidents happen for reasons we may never understand or know.

    I was writing this down on paper with a lot of scribbles and rewrites when your mum, posted her response to my comment and need less to say this brought the tears. Lol
    Kristina my boys are 18,16 and 14 and my girls are 9 and 4 now. They are all doing great now, yes they have their moments as we do, but like you said children definitely have a wonderful philosophy about life.

    I agree talking helps a great deal and I agree whole heartily with the quote you saw on Facebook.
    Thank you for the very kind and loving words from both of you and for your hugs Kristina, you both are an inspiration and your beautifully written blogs ( which are my first ever blogs I have read and followed) are great food for thought.
    Dustin I am grateful for the very addictive war games that lead me to here. Lol ☺️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kiltracy,
      Do I detect a slight bit of an accent? English, Australian, British, where might you be from? American English people don’t usually say mum, we say mom. So that might be your giveaway LOL!

      What a terrible tragedy for you, to be out on a family outing and witness such a horrible site. I know myself, that you will have that image burned into your memory for the rest of your life. I am so sorry for that. But,
      I am so proud of you all for going into counseling, that alone takes bravery. I was in counseling for years for my bipolar issues… But I am so glad that it worked for you and your children.

      It is very difficult to decide that counseling might be a helpful thing, none of my family have gone into counseling for the loss of their father. Not even myself. This is why I believe that some of my children are holding anger in their hearts for way too long.

      My daughter and granddaughter went to a few therapy sessions for their loss four years ago, but it didn’t seem to help my daughter much. She still engages in behaviors that are destructive and it hurts my heart to watch it happen.

      But when children become adults and have their own lives there’s not much a parent can do to change their choices. We all have our agency to choose what we will do in our lives no matter what it does. I just hope that at some point she will see and change for the better. Change for the both of them.

      I have always told myself and had many discussions over the years with my late husband, that I did not want to pass from a violent encounter. I really thought I was going to be in an automobile fatality, because my husband and I were in so many car wrecks all over the 42 years that it’s amazing that we were both killed. But now that I have watched a passing that I knew about for at least a year, that passing had difficulties in a whole different way. I am glad that we do not know what each of our futures will be, Because we would spend our living lives worrying about what was going to happen.

      I am sure that you physically did everything in your power that could’ve been done to save his life. I the opposite, being an RN and knowing the disease that my husband had, trying not to be greedy, by trying to prolong his life to keep him here longer. I believe that due to my nursing background and the knowledge of his quality of life, or lack of it. I was there for him in the end to take away his pain. Even though he was on hospice care I continue to feel guilty about the way he passed and I always contemplate if I was the one who hastened it. Matter-of-fact I am sure of it.

      I feel as if I have gained a new confidant and friend through these blogs and I appreciate your openness and candidness. Again I wish you peace and happiness.

      Lots of love and lots more hugs,
      The Mom
      (Kris)

      Liked by 2 people

      • Kristina (The Mom, Kris),
        Yes there is an Australian accent here. Lol When I first wrote in the comments I used ‘your’ spelling for the word mum, but naturally reverted back to ‘my’ way of spelling it, I wondered if this would be noticed.
        I am grateful for your kind words again, and also surprised by how accurate some of them are.
        I am sorry that counselling wasn’t as helpful for you or your daughter. I hope her destructive behaviours change for the better soon. Do you only have Dustin and your daughter or is there more children?
        Many years ago I often felt that a car accident would be what killed me too. I think maybe I felt like that because of how my ex partner (the boys father) drove, very terrifying at times. I was very relieved and grateful that Leigh never scared me while driving, and that feeling has now passed.
        I have wondered at times about what would be worse to go through, a sudden loss of a loved one and not being able to say good bye and I love you one more time, or a loss due to a terminal illness, where you can make sure they know you love them but having to live with the emotional turmoil before and after your loved one passes. Having to watch your husband go from a happy, healthy and independent man to a sick, frail and dependent man must have been shocking and horrendous for you and your family. I am glad you were able to help him with his pain, and I am sure you have nothing you should feel guilty about.
        I too am glad we don’t know what our future brings, oh how life would be different if we did. Besides the fear, the idea of this makes me think of Shakespeare’s “King Lear”.
        I feel the same about a new confidant and friend as you do, but wish there was somewhere besides Dustin’s comments that I could chat to both you and Dustin. Lol
        Hugs and love to you too
        Tracy. Ox 😊

        Liked by 1 person

    • Hi kiltracy,
      It took me a while to write this from a cpu instead of my phone. I cant read your comment and type on my phone because the screen is too small to show both. I didn’t want to comment without being able to respond correctly if that makes any sense. lol
      I appreciate you sharing some of your story-especially to a stranger. I know that isn’t always the first thing on our to-do list- so thank you. Thanks for your sympathies towards our family. The more people around me die, the quicker and sooner I realize that there will come a day when it is my turn. I will take a ride in an ambulance, and I will not be coming home. Even knowing all that, it is so easy to take life for granted. Your story is sad and unimaginable, but at the same time, it is inspirational and amazing. I think you should think about starting your own blog- blog your story. It could help so many other widowed wives and daughters and sons and fathers who will have to go through a similar, life-changing event. You have made it through a great deal of impossibilities’. You have come out the other side; without drugs or other self destruction to the point of defeat. Other people could hugely benefit from your gained knowledge and experience. It’s just an idea. lol I think it would be really cool though, not to mention, very therapeutic and it would yield vast amounts of friendships in the form of support and love. Having other people read and comment to me about my story has been a huge confidence builder and when someone tells me I have helped them, even if only a little, it makes me feel like I am worth more to others than I ever could have imagined. Okay I will shut up now. lol
      I am glad I asked you to check out my blog. I was worried it would be too….ummm, uninteresting I guess? Either way, I am glad you came. Have a great week and thanks again for commenting. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Hi Dustin,
        I know exactly what you mean by taking a while to write lol. I find it easier to write my comments (they feel more like novels instead of comments lol) down on paper first before writing them here using my iPad. It all makes sense to me, I have my iPad open on your comment while I write this, so I can respond correctly too. Lol

        Honestly I believe if it wasn’t for the war games and the brief conversations we have there, if you can call them that, I would never have shared my story in someone’s comments on their blog. I have never been to a blog let alone read and commented on one before yours.

        Unfortunately the day comes for all of us when our last breath is drawn, I just hope that mine is a long way down the track, as one of my biggest fears is leaving my girls without both their parents and the boys with the battle between their father and their two grandmothers about living arrangements and seeing their sisters.

        In regards to me starting my own blog, I truly am honoured that you think I should and could do this, but it also surprises me and makes me laugh. Me, my life isn’t worth blogging about, I don’t have a way with words like you and your mum and I am too sensitive.lol I don’t think I could handle any negative comments or lack of followers, I am not as brave as you. If you complained about the troops I donated I would cry lol.

        The experiences you have been through in your life make you a perfect person to help others in the same or similar situations as you. Your worth to these people will always be greater then you could imagine.

        I am glad you thought to ask me to check out your blog, none of them are uninteresting. They are written perfectly, from the heart, and the way you word them draw you in, make you think, feel and want to read more.

        You have a great week too, looking forward to your next blog. Sorry for taking over your comments, like I said to your mum I wish there was somewhere else we could chat. You should have said thanks for commenting LOTS. Lol I will try not to reply to all your comments next time 😊
        Tracy

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Dustin,
    That comment was eloquently stated. It showed your heart and soul to another who has also like us, suffered from loss.

    I also believe that Kiltracy would truly benefit from sharing her own blog and her life story to others as you stated.

    It takes a lot of courage and fortitude to put it down on paper. To put it out there for the world to read and comment on. The comments that she will receive can become very therapeutic, And she will find that there are so many others out there who are suffering just as she is, just as we are.

    Loss is part of life. We don’t like it, we are fearful of it, and worry about it too much. If only we could enjoy our time together. And not waste time arguing and fighting or bickering over frivolous things. Just think how sweet life would be?

    The Mom

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Tracy,
    I will try really hard to keep this comment short. LOL
    I was married to my high school sweetheart at the age of just turning 17 he was 18. We had our first son when I was 18 my second son quickly thereafter. When I was 19, my second son who was at that time 13 months old passed away from encephalitis of the brain and I was floored! That was the closest I had ever been to death in my young life. I was still in a fog from my grandfather’s passing only two weeks prior to that. I swore I would never have anymore children after that.

    But as time went by, and life went about it’s business we decided to have another child. This one was our daughter. As we struggled financially just to keep food on the table I had one more son. Dustin makes four,

    I have experienced both losing a spouse and losing a child, and I would not want to ever have to make that choice. Because you believe that you should outlive your children but sometimes that is not in God’s plan. It is said that He will never give you more than you can handle, but you question this each time something happens.

    To change the subject, I have only written three blogs with my first one published in June of this year And I only get to about one a month, so you see you can do it too! From just reading your comments, they are well written. Well thought out, and interesting. They are focused and they keep The readers in an intense state.

    I really believe you could re-thank your decision and just try it for a while just write one per month or one every two months, you would be surprised what ideas may pop into your mind. Just wright about every day things that happen in your life, the funny things your kids do or say… Just anything.

    The only difference between the way you write and I write, is that I talk into my phone and it writes as I speak, then I make my changes after I read it. Because I can’t type as fast as I think. Then I try to reread it and oh brother what a mess!

    Good luck to you and your sweet family, lots of hugs hugs hugs!

    The Mom
    Kris John

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kris,
      I will keep this one short also, I hope lol
      I am saddened again by your loss, hugs hugs and more hugs for you..
      Wow, the father of my boys was my high school boyfriend too. My first son arrived 3 months before my 21st.
      In total I have had 10 pregnancies. One before Leigh and my eldest daughter was an ectopic pregnancy detected at 11wks gestation, losing one of my tubes.
      I also gave birth to a little boy (he was Leigh’s only biological son) at 18 wks gestation. This tiny little boy had a major heart problem and of course didn’t survive the labour and would not have survived the full term of the pregnancy either. This was heart breaking for both of us. Of course its not quiet the same as your loss, your little boy lived for 13 months, but the loss still floored us. This happened 8 months before Leigh’s death.
      Mmmmm I will think about the blog thing lol and talking into your phone is a great idea.
      Have a great day, week and month
      Tracy ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  11. So wise! You’ve really said it all. I wish my son could do this, wait a year before he enters a new relationship. He’s going on 3 months clean and already deep into a relationship with a sweet woman who may have all the qualities you mentioned, and who is certainly going way out of her way to help him. In so many ways its been a blessing for him. But I worry its too soon and a setback in the relationship could cause a relapse. So many obstacles on the way to recovery!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you and thank you for commenting. 🙂 Your worry is definitely justified. The repeated evidence for early relationship relapse is staggering to say the least. I do hope the best for your son, but my experience along with all the studies to the contrary tells me that if I am honest with you, his chances are much less than if he had waited. New relationships are fresh, fun and exciting which hardly gives way for deep discussions on why we are addicts and what we need to do to stay sober. Often times, What we need to do to get sober interferes directly with our closest relationships. Because of this, it goes unsaid and is often completely ignored. I am not saying it is impossible. It can be done but the odds are not good. Many relationships that do survive are often toxic, codependent and unhealthy because of the unspoken rule of “I won’t bring up issues that are painful to you and you won’t bring up issues that are painful to me” Maybe everything will go well for him and his partner and I do wish them the best. As long as they are honest with each other, they will go far. Have a great week and thanks again for stopping by. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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